Good Byes suck

It is hard to say good bye. I hate it, it always drags me into a hole, so when I can, I run from it. I just leave, thinking of people whom I love and who impress me.

Today I drove my sister to the train station. She is going for a qualifying exam to Kiel – she wants to study communication design and has worked and sacrificed a lot in order to be able to go there today. It is her life dream to get into that study program. She wants it so much that when she does not get in this time, she will try again in fall. I never had to fight that much for a thing I wanted. The difference is that I always did things I knew I somehow was good at in order not to have to face the critics. And sometimes I really screwed up, because what I thought was not true – even for me there were a lot of challenges hidden. If I lived my life with half the enthusiasm as my sister, I would be daredevil Nr. 1 climbing Mount Everest. Instead I will go on a one month holiday and the thing I am looking most forward to are the food, the coconuts and the trains. I prepared a lot for the trip I am going to have with my best friend. I will not climb Mount Everest, but for me it’s a big adventure.

So the good byes: Today I had to say good bye to my sister. Ever since she gave me a last kiss on the cheek I have been down and not able to move. I was stuck in this freaking sadness and tried to numb it, but even movies have a time limit. Soon, I will have to part with my mum and then I will return to the everlasting struggle in Denmark. I will celebrate my birthday without my family; going from one place to the other, because by the end of June I have to be out of my old room. Today it hurts, even though I am going to be super extra über excited when I hug my friends, who are in this country. It’s just not very easy to keep your family close when you live the life of a foreigner. I still have to learn that, even after 9 years of practice.

Some good things from my time at home:
On sunday we celebrated my not-birthday, as our family cannot meet, when it's actually happening. There was cake, and the Husiten Festspiele (some city festival) in Bernau. Here my sister and I on the gigant chairs.

Today I went bare foot from Jena to Berlin

Today I went barefoot from Jena to Berlin. It’s different to walk through a city without your shoes on, because you can actually feel where you are walking. The senses become sharper, you notice the details. Jena is the city with second most sunshine in Germany, right after Freiburg. I went there for the first time in my life to chair the elections of AIESEC in Jena, which was a big pleasure with bright people and a memorable party in the end. Even though I fell asleep on Ariane’s futon at 5 in the morning and got up only five hours later I was filled with energy and the feeling of excitement of the day to come. Today I met my friend Siegfried, who studies in Jena. We were sitting in the shadow of a tree in a nice pub and just cached up with each others stories. We drank some Radler and had fries in the heat that made everyone move slowly. The heat followed me to Berlin and home. It’s summer in Germany and I feel incredibly home in this country. Everything tastes like childhood and I see sense and beauty all around. I can actually imagine living here. I mean today, at this point of time, I could imagine to live here, who knows what will happen a year from now.

This return home has been the best decision made in a very long time. I had the chance to arrive at myself.

I thought I was done. I really thought I should stop living the life I was living so far. I wanted to stop, give up and sit in a therapy chair three times a week, for 3 years. Luckily I had the chance to have conversations with new and old friends not about myself or my problems, but about life and dreams. That’s when I saw that I cannot stop the life I have built the last few years. I gave a lot of myself in the process, that’s true, but I gained so much. I just did not have the chance to collect all the impressions and make sense of them. I needed some distance from all the fuss, all the pressure and expectations in order to find out that it’s me who decides whether I’m happy or not.

So I started to play the guitar. My mum is horribly happy, as I’m the only one in the family who never learned how to play an instrument. She and my sister teach me and I can already play three songs and am learning a new one now. I also spent 130€ on running shoes. I have to write how much they were, as I have never spent that much on anything to wear. It’s crazy! But it’s for me and I am earning the shoes by running 4,5 kilometers every second day. I read the 7th Harry Potter book in German and was surprised by the simplicity and non-magic of the book. I spent time with my sister and my mum, I ate ice cream and a Döner. And if we go to the cinema to watch a dubbed blockbuster, I’ll be happy to return to Copenhagen.

Next year will be as planned: no plans! Well now I have some small ones, I will move to Berlin after my return from India and find a job. Just to earn money. And then I will go on an internship in some crazy country. I like it.