Last night, I had a nightmare. I did not have any drapes on my window and lived first floor. I was running around naked in the apartment, not realizing that everyone on the street could see me. Just underlining again: It was a dream! So, the doorbell rings, and my evil ex-boyfriend is in the door jelling at me that everyone on the street can see me naked. He makes me feel really bad about it and then continues to tell me he still loves me and not his new girl friend and that he cannot understand why I would not be with him.
Every time I talk about him, I call him the evil boyfriend and close friends will understand whom I am talking about.
Actually he is not a bad person as such. I would even say that we have a lot in common and even have that soul mate connection. Just that his past and some of his habits where not good for us as a couple, because it affected him a lot as a person. So to me, all his goodness was in his core, but there was a bad wrapping around it. I thought, I could change that and remove the wrapping. But we are not talking about toilet seat debates here; we are talking tough stuff like accusations and lack of faith in me. We are talking constant jealousy and possessiveness.
All this made me smaller and smaller. I started doubting myself and lost a lot of self-esteem I had built up in the past years. The effect was the opposite of what I had intended: I started acting like he did and not the other way around. I did not know how to escape the situation, so I cheated on him which made it all even worse. In the end, I quit. I did not want to stay under his spell and returned to myself.
He tried to cut me out of his life, deleted me on various social networks and would not contact me at all. To him, I am the bad person. Now he has moved on, has moved in with his new girl friend, while I still have nightmares with him acting as the villain.
He is the one person in my past, which I cannot forgive and have good feelings about, because he gave me the hardest time of my life. And for me he is evil, because I am still not over it. I mean, it still haunts me in my dreams and he has moved on. So I am asking, what is wrong with me?
In my opinion, you're still doing some of it. U doubt yourself, and lack faith in yourself - it is the reason you're still asking what is wrong with you. It isn't about anything being wrong necessarily, but I guess you're pretty convinced he doesn't deserve your forgiveness. But this forgiveness is not for him Anna, it is for YOU. He is not the one "feeling" anything - guilt, hurt etc, YOU are. You're the one being traumatised under it. You have to forgive him for yourself. Once you do that, and accept that all of it was a part and parcel of life, is when I'm guessing you'll get your closure. Forgiveness is difficult, but you can still learn it.. now.. as the years pass, it'll only get tougher. Nobody is intentionally evil. U've to believe there is the good in everyone. And Hope. And have Faith.
AntwortenLöschenSending you lots of love for strength,
Lekha