Closer

The other day I walked home to Babsi’s place, where I’m staying until Lexi and I leave for India. The sun was shining, and for Nordic conditions it was quite hot. In the spur of the moment, I took off my flip flops and walked the last 100 m barefoot. It was nice to feel the sun and the city.

Something I did not have before I went home where rituals that made me feel good. These small things you do to feel good. I was so absorbed by all the stress around me that I forgot how to get back on track emotionally. I was unable to disconnect and focus on the good around me. And now I am back to all the old patterns, not only from my side but also from the people around me.

I did not run for an entire week. I was sick and I was drunk and I did not get enough sleep. It’s quite hard to continue new good habits in the old environment. I just seem to lack that strength of will. But there are strings attached that help me stand up. I have Lexi and our travel plans, there is summer, and also the other friends around me. The problem is that they did not have one and a half month to disconnect and gather strength to continue, which makes me feel a bit lazy and also somehow uncomfortable.

Something I do every time I start something new is making resolutions about what kind of person I want to be in this new environment. Somehow I must have gotten off track this year, as my close friends from this experience reflect me as something I would never describe myself as. Is it really possible that I managed not to let anyone look behind my loud and sometimes eccentric surface? Was I so busy proving myself that I forgot to show myself to the right people?

Yesterday I suddenly landed in a totally uncomfortable situation. The only one who truly understood me without words was Lexi, the others were laughing and somehow confused. It’s these small moments, sometimes it’s just seconds, that make me think. What was I doing all this time? Sometimes I feel like regret, then I regret all the things I messed up. On stronger days I just tell myself: it’s ok, as long as you learned from it!

Today, I feel like the grey sky outside: colorless and regretful. I miss my family and would give a lot if I was able to just snap my fingers and go home to Germany for a few hours.