The Texture of Time

Picture from inspirationfeed.com

Time is a weird construction. It can stretch like a rubber band, drip on you in jelly green drops and make you feel like you are running, but not getting forward. Or it can suddenly speed ahead, make you forget space and swoosh by like cars in the dark. My time rubber band has been stretched and released quite a bit during the past weeks. When I am with the right people it flows with me like golden light, other times I wait for it to pass and when commuting through Berlin it makes me dive into myself. Looking back, it feels like the past weeks just took a finger click. It was exciting, I laughed a lot, I felt a lot, I even learned a lot and suddenly I am in this bubble of loneliness where there is a sensation from head to toe and I am thrown back at myself again. I feel a bit powerless, confused and also kind of sad. But not that sadness of world pain and destruction. It’s more of a melancholic pain of how fast things can change. Life has taken up speed again, and I am not quite sure if I can follow.

First things first: friendship. If you are really honest, how often is it that you meet a like minded person you can just be yourself with, fool around, cry and tell your honest opinion about everything. With how many people that you meet do you really connect on a deeper level? Especially in rushed phases of my life, I met a lot of interesting people but only a few stuck with me for longer. I feel a deep connection to some people that live quite far away. That gave me a lot of strength during more lonely days in Berlin. Knowing that I have those friends, whom I might not have been with for two years and still meet and feel like no time has passed, makes me so entirely grateful.

Take my friend Letzu, for example. This women is like a sister to me, together we become something new and crazy and I enjoy every moment with her. When I met her again in October, we had the craziest dream night out, with secrets and beer and the whole program. I feel so close to her and even though she is one of my best friends in the world, I forgot her birthday. It was November second and I simply forgot. It didn’t even cross my mind. But does that make me a bad friend? I hope not. Because, Letzu, you are like a sister and since I forgot your birthday once, I will never forget it again, as embarrassment will engrave the date on my brain. See, time took me by the hand and hopped with me through the days and there was no yesterday or tomorrow, there was just life running by. I knew I had forgotten, because you told me. I AM SO SUPER DUPER REALLY SUPER SORRY. And I miss you right now, because I want to tell you abound my friend Time and what she did with me. She is not as crazy as you, you bet. She also does not wear as funny hats. And she has no clue how to secretly smoke at the window. But I want to tell you that life is good and that I think of you every day. I miss you!

So yea, maybe this bubble is good and maybe it is OK that I am a bit confronted with myself and the people who really matter. And one lesson I have leant is: don’t let the speed of time dominate your existence. I am responsible for my own happiness, so Time, please go to the corner, I have some catching up to do.

Mumified Bananas found at Sanssouci Palace

As everything keeps changing and dear people around me start new experiences, I am doing a small, big step myself by starting a Masters program in foreign language linguistics at the University of Potsdam, close to Berlin.

My first day out on campus was for a small introduction event. Still, I was excited as a 14-year-old starting school after summer and wondering what to wear. The problem was solved much faster than 12 years ago, though. Off course everything matched, even my handbag.

The campus was WOW! I went to a Scandinavian university before with modernist buildings and now I felt like going back in time. It was a big complex, probably really connected to the Sanssouci Palace back in the days with scattered buildings that looked like people with big dresses and long beards should walk around. Instead, I met other fellow students everything from goth- to tech-type people. I bought a ridiculously cheap cup of coffee and searched my handbag for my mobile to call my mom and hysterically tell her about the architecture of my new school and how she should from now on call me Duchess Anna. All I found was a mummified banana (I am not kidding!) and I had to laugh so hard about it, I almost forgot to find my phone.

See, the 100-year-old banana is like my life in a nutshell. I always leave traces of food wherever I go and when I went to school it felt like a science project when I cleaned my bags – I am a chaotic person, who forgets about EVERYTHING (but mostly where I left food). That’s why I love lists so much. I love to organize, just because if I don’t, I will eventually starve. What this small moment showed me, is that I am going to stay the same deep inside, whatever I will do one day and wherever I will live. I will stay the same in my core and that made me very happy. When things change and you develop, you might be afraid to meet an old, dark side of yourself. And that can happen, but with all that change there is that one tiny constant light: your essential you. Off course there is a lot more to it than mummified bananas – but I really needed this discovery to kick-start my new experience with new challenges ahead.

Melon Mix of Bananalicous Time

(C) Anna Streiter

Dear reader, there has not been a post in a while, as my life was so eventful that my head simply did not have the capacity to reflect on what was going on at the same time as putting it down in words for you to read.

Normally German news goes into summer break starting July, there is nothing going on in politics and you read about drowned dogs or dry cornfields in the newspapers. This summer has been different, the world seems different, things change extremely fast and the news are filled with partly horrible news which in return also show how horrible actions from some can bring out the best in others, like the massacre in Norway brought out such a wave of love from the Norwegian people.

Instead of slowing down, my live seems to have accelerated since June. I went to beautiful/morbid/delicious/sunny Palermo to visit my friend Sophia. Even though my Italian is practically non-existent I managed to communicate with people around me. Sicilians are a very interesting group of people, of course they mostly categorize you as tourist and try to keep communication to a minimum but they reward you for returning to them. So if you buy your fruit at the same stall at the marketplace every time, the salesman will trust and like you over time. It was simply great to visit a friend in a foreign country and to see Italy through her eyes; it is much different from lonely exploration with a guidebook. This experience was very vivid and refreshing.

(C) Anna Streiter

AND! I finally had visitors to Berlin. One of my friends, Nora, suggested to me to open a hostel, as she saw how much I enjoyed being a host. It was great to finally see friends again and to show them where I live right now. It was funny to see what expectations visitors have, as I would never go to a restaurant with German cuisine in a city like Berlin, where you can taste so many different cultures. I am very grateful for everyone’s interest in the city and for the love they brought to my house.
And one thing is for sure: I have to visit Copenhagen in October before I start in university.

YES! I will do a Masters Program at Potsdam University and I am totally geeking out about it! I will study foreign language linguistics and part of the program will be to learn a new language. So Spanish speaking people: Pronto voy a ser uno de ustedes! Thank you google translate : )

So yes, life is filled with friends & family, work and figuring out stuff. I hope that I soon will be able to reflect on things and also tell you more deeply how I developed over the past months.

Until then: have a great day – each day!

Almanya - or why do I look like a genetic copy of my mom?

I just came home from an extraordinary experience at an open air cinema in a park in “Friedrichshein”. Together with some new friends (awesome!), I had the pleasure to watch Almanya. It is a movie about a Turkish family and their story of how they came to Germany, connected to how they live today and where they come from.

The story telling has many interesting aspects, like the use of language. As the main language is German, they had to illustrate how it was for the Turkish family to arrive in a country where they did not understand a word. So the “German” in the story is a fictive language and as a linguist, this was extremely exciting for me.

Apart from being extremely well told, the story left a main thought in my head: How everything in the past and somehow also in the future is connected. I have parts of my mom and dad in me, I carry their history with me and that of many people in my family. I am a result of the culture that my family conveyed to me. Personally, I feel extremely close to my mother and my sister and I really feel that we have a deeper connection that grows stronger every day. My most influential teachers of life lessons are from my family. My mom taught me that love is blind, my step dad taught me the importance of honesty, my granny taught me the beauty of forgiveness (and backgammon) and somehow everyone took part in who I am today. This close web of lifelines makes us who we are today.

I met people who struggled on their own, people who had left their family and sought after their own truth and happiness. For some time I thought that there were two categories of people: family people and independent people. Today I realized that maybe their web of family needed those people to get disconnected and start something different and new. And who knows, even though they are not actively connected to their family, they live up to some dream buried deep inside the family history.

In the movie, the grandfather was the one who uprooted his family and took them to a foreign land. It did not make them a family with less heritage and culture, it made them more diverse and culturally enriched. My mother, who was the first one in the entire big family to get divorced and who raised my sister and me on her own, also disconnected from certain parts of her heritage and it made us richer as a family. I know that my family respects my mother for her independence and that maybe sometimes some of them wish to be as brave as her.

I have always felt a bit disconnected from time and always very aware of the history I carried with me, or should I say that carried me? I like the thought of being an evolvement of something that existed before I was there. And my family is the proof that this evolvement is necessary, exciting and great. Tonight I am simply grateful for the things I carry from them.

Everyone has their own little mean "me"

When life is to good to be true, I am flying on a cloud through the days and everything is as delicious as chocolate chip ice cream. There is nobody who could harm me on days like that; it’s the time where I collect self-esteem like a magnet. I just had one of those periods. Sun was shining, people where smiling and I was good at the things I did: work, friends, family, stuff.

I am addicted to the feel good drug and as soon as things do not go well, my mind screams – give me the drug, I cannot live without it! So when I fly extremely high, like in chocolate chip clouds, I can be sure that there will be something making sure I get dragged down again.

Most of the times the thing is me. I think, everyone knows their own little mean “me”. Nature made sure that we do not fly too high, so it invented a “me” for everyone. My “me” really dragged me down and it gave me a quite tough time. It taught me not to get too arrogant on that cloud, because it will make sure, that if I don’t cherish the cloud, it will show me it’s ugly face. There is a “me” that you show everyone, and then there is a “me” that shows up when you lose control, when you drink too much, for example. For some people, the drunk “me” is a good change. They get more outgoing and confident. I just get too much. And I hate when I am too much. “Me” knows that for example, so it did exactly that to remind me of how important it is to be humble. So I hit the bottom hard, I even hit my knee. The awesome thing is: It did not take too long to get back to normal. I ripped of the bandage and go by bike through sunny Berlin, but all in a very humble way.

P.S. The post was written while listening to"The Water" over and over again. I am addicted not only to the feel good drug, but also to this song!

This is where I hide my secrets!

Copyright: author

Last weekend I was in paradise. It is a simple place without any heavy baggage taking away your attention from what is important. When you work hard, it is good to keep a key to your own personal paradise hidden in a drawer, so that when you really need it, you can access it.

My paradise is a very small place. It is a little wooden house and around it grows a wild garden. Sometimes you can make a small campfire, when the right people are there and there is an old Christmas tree asking to be used for something else. You can barbeque, put your hands in the earth and plant flowers, you can hide small presents in shadowy corners. The most important thing is that you can just be yourself and you will be loved the way you are. To me, there are only a few places where I can feel so safe and this is my number one.

The weekend was full of sunshine and relaxing with my mom and sis and what inspired me to this post is the crazy thunderstorm running over Berlin. To some people it might try to destroy the past sunny days, but to me it brings back a needed balance, because we all know, in order for things to grow, they need water.

Where to you hide your key to your own little refuge paradise?

Ice cream and cake and cake - OR WHAT!?

Today is a “big jumps” – day. I am all buzzy, smiling and just happy to be where I am. I truly enjoy this feeling after long weeks of feeling like my feet were dragged to the ground like clumsy magnets. It is incredible how the interaction with people you care about gives you energy even though you spend time and effort on make things with them happen. I discovered how a balance between social interaction and alone-time is what also keeps me going. I am not a person who can jump from date to date, party to party and dinner to dinner, without taking a break and spending some time with myself. There are times when things just fit together, circumstances are making sense and the whole karma philosophy of “you get what you give” is spot on.

I wanted to make a post of my final sprint of fasting. Last week I imagined me counting the seconds to finally being able to eat chocolate, pancakes and some meat again. Instead I would like to take a moment and cherish the things that I discovered the past weeks.

You can bake a vegan cake without sugar. It will not be super sweet, but with ingredients like vinegar and stevia, it can be a success. The longer you live without sugar, the less you actually need sweet things. My cakes are not as sweet as normal ones, but they are totally enough for me.

Rushing is stupid. Normally when I bike, I rush super much and get frustrated when I have to stop at a red light. Now I take the red light period as a mini-break and use the time to notice the world around me.

Some habits are worth keeping: I always eat at the office, cook here or take something prepared from home, while my colleagues eat out. I stuck with it and now we are already three girls eating here every day and many colleagues join us regularly.

There is many things you can eat as a snack: fruit, nuts, fruit puree, apple butter and also non-sweet things, like the great organic and vegan spreads they offer in German health food stores.

Life does not end without butter. I thought that for a long time, but IT’S NOT TRUE!

There are many more things I learned. I actually played the guitar and I also took up some conflicts I would have avoided before. The bottom line is that I do not really go crazy over the fact that I soon will be able to go nuts on food and drinks again. It is actually ok to live like I do now. I will take some new, better eating habits with me and I will definitely do a fasting period again. And off course, I am looking forward to once in a while being able to satisfy my urge for some pancakes or ice cream – it ‘s soon summer for heavens sake!

M.A.G.G.I.E. - Make adjustments, go get it energized!

from confidentialityspice

The past weeks of fasting have been a constant emotional roller coaster. It seems like the period was under the headline M.A.G.G.I.E.: Make Adjustments Go Get It Energized! This quote from one of my favorite TV shows “How I met your mother”, describes my journey best.

Adjustments:

I still make the mistake of thinking that the decisions I take are a linear thing, with only one possible outcome. Well, life does not work in linear ways; the turns, hills and stones on the way are what make life interesting and fun.

So I thought: I will work 3 days a week starting April. I will have time to pursue some personal interests and have time to invest in my personal development.

The past two weeks, life has put some stones in the way of that. I had to realize that my workplace needs me more that just 3 days a week, and that I need more than 3 days a week to do a good job there. I am finally part of quite interesting projects, my colleagues know my strengths and start requesting my skills in English and organization, for example. So, in order for me to do a good job, I simply need more time. Thus, I also set a good ground for one my most pressuring goals: beginning my Masters and thus building my academic dream career, starting October. As a student, I will have much less income. So it is important to me to clear my depts, before I become a student again, which is now possible with the extra money.

Energy:

Being extremely busy the past weeks, it was hard to keep my fasting rules. My mom, my sister, and I are all fasting and when we did not eat cake at a big family party, my aunt killed us with her eyes, which looked like she would wish to take each of us and throw our faces into the cake buffet. I tried to calm her down with the words “…but it looks really delicious!” – I don’t really think it worked. The lack of sugar really got on my mood at times, especially when I was confronted with quite some pressure and stress. I would like to say that I eat more fruits and vegetables, but it is all a bit “complicated”.

The good things about the fasting are the new rituals and triggers I was able to discover. After my fasting period is over, I will consume much more soya products. Also, I found some activities that keep me grounded. It made me value the food, I generally consume: I never looked more forward to eat some ice cream or just a boiled egg. Just two weeks and I’ll be getting food-orgasms over these things. One thing that boosts my mood other than sugar is sports. It’s been a week now, where I traveled Berlin by bike and it is exciting how much positive results this generates. It is definitely a good sugar substitute and a much needed adventure at times.

So, “Make adjustments, go get it energized” was a depressing, fun, exciting and in the end fulfilling journey. I hope you are on track with your adjustments and energy.

Next week I will try to convey some “Yay, the fasting countdown has started!”-excitement!

Watch the clip about M.A.G.G.I.E. here.




Picture Source: http://i835.photobucket.com/albums/zz273/kerryveritas724/himympicspam/510006.jpg

The art of slow motion

http://www.nataliedee.com/archives/2008/Mar/

Today I am going to connect my post to one of my fasting goals: walking slower.

I noticed that the posts I write out of true inspiration, and not just “the plight to update people”, are the ones that touch you the most. Inspiration is a slippery thing, tough. If you do not grab it when it’s there, you might lose it and any attempt to reach that moment won’t be as good as the initial idea. That is why I am sitting on my bed, writing the post in my diary. I now post is “past inspiration” – but from the moment of inspiration, if you know what I mean.

As you might know, I was sick last week and extremely lonely. This week feels like I have to catch up what I missed. It’s like a special offer “buy one – get two”.

I had two big projects at work and in order to catch up, I stayed longer in the office every night. Yesterday was also my last day of internship, so cooked some lunch for my colleagues. AND yesterday was an important presentation that had to be prepared.

I only went home for sleeping and taking a shower. I was constantly “on” and in a hurry.

Cooking for 15 people needs quite some inspiration. In my lunch break on Wednesday I rushed to the super market, after working hours I used the company kitchen to prepare the food. In-between, I worked on the concept I had to present the next day. I used a lot of concepts from my experience as a trainer in AIESEC and any AIESEC’er would love what I had designed for my colleagues.

Yesterday, I got up an hour early to have enough time to prepare the lunch. Then it happened: my colleagues started helping and I had the chance to bond with them. Finally eating the lunch was a great social event for all colleagues.

After that I had the final sprint for the presentation. My concept was part of an implementation strategy. To my big surprise the project team accepted my concept and we had a long, but fruitful meeting. It really felt like the work we all had done beforehand was finally connected. At 8 p.m. I left the office with a feeling of grateful exhaustion. My friend and role model Dey Dos calls it “feeling empty” – because you have given everything to your environment. It is a positive feeling, because you know you leave something behind.

In the past week I achieved many things I had aimed for when I came to Berlin. I made some new friends and I actually could use my AIESEC experience in a corporate context.

On my way home, I could calm down. The way home from the tram, I walked very slowly and enjoyed every step. I could seize the moment and rushing was not really necessary. It helped me to re-connect with my inner self, because the last few days I just had to function. It is funny how small things like that bring you back to who you really are.

So the next time I’m in a rush, I won’t get annoyed with slow people, because it might be that they re-connect with their true self.

I have a confession to make:

I sleep too much. Thus I am awake at 23:38 and my mind won’t rest. Be assured that the minute it touches my pillow it will float away to the land of dreams. But still, I have been planning on writing an update since Sunday when a sudden fever and the worst visit of influenza has haunted my body and squeezed my brain so much that I was not really able to think or walk without the feeling of my head being magnetically drawn to the ground. After a bizarre visit to a doctor, I was told to stay in bed the rest of the week and gurgle salt water.

It has been one of the loneliest weeks during my time back in Germany and I really miss my friends who are scattered around the world. I have been true to my strict fasting rules: no sugar, vegan food, I even practiced the guitar and I was forced to walk slow with my influenzarized head and everything. But I missed my friends. When I start things, I always make these really strict rules and crazy goals. I will never be happy with what I achieve because I will always have some impossible goal on my list. Instead of saying “I won’t use Facebook (yea, this is where I am getting to) at work”, I said, “I won’t use Facebook at all during the next 40 days”. Bravo, Anna! So, on Sunday, I logged on and checked what people were up to, without commenting or writing updates, whatsoever. And since then I spent 5 minutes each day just watching what people were up to. And I am really sorry, Anna, but I have to let you down on this goal. So I am rephrasing: no Facebook during work or as a thing to fight boredom. I need to know what the people that I love and never see are up to. I need to write them a text when I think of them and I just want to see how they are once in a while. And no, Anna and critic, emails are not the same.

So after 15 days of fasting, I have already let go of one goal. The food and mind thing works out pretty well, though. My skin looks great, I think about what to eat and find great recipes to cook. I am finding my path back to a healthy life. I just should not forget one very important goal: keep in touch with my friends and spend time with them. So, some of you will get a mail soon. Let’s get on skype and update each other on the latest gossip.

I am in heaven: Men are cooking for me and I can walk like a model! OR Fasting experience 1

http://need-to-know.de/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/vegan1.jpg

It has now been one week of fasting. I have changed my food habits to vegan without sugar, avoided Facebook and tried to walk slower.

First thing: it is hard to start a big project while traveling. I was in Denmark delivering a conference, when my fasting time started. My friends were really interested and supportive. The night before I started I had some Ben and Jerry’s with Lexi; Peter and JohnJohn cooked vegan for us in Odense; and the conference crew packed special sandwiches with my name on. Still, I was hungry, as I could not just find some vegan sweets, because most of the time I eat sugar when I am hungry. I am just not used to proper, regular meals.

Second thing: It feels good to be a bit more aware of what I am consuming. In the supermarket, I look at the ingredients and take some time before I buy stuff. I also try to plan what I am going to eat, so I have a list when I do shopping. This way, I am not just buying things because I am hungry, but because I have a purpose with the goods.

Third thing: It is really hard to keep off Facebook. I needed some pictures for the conference and they were all on there. I had to log in to find those; I saw the red speech bubbles telling me how many notifications, messages, and friend requests I had received. I did not check any of those, I went directly to the pictures I needed and logged off again. I just gave myself a little pat on the back for that one :-)

I am really proud that I actually did everything on my list, except playing guitar, which I will do this week.

Do you know the phenomenon of when you disvover something new, you see it everywhere? This is how I have it with vegan life style right now, and here is one of my discoveries: vegan fashion! It is an online shop called Muso Koroni.

http://www.vego-design.de/AdvancedSlider/slider/muso_koroni.jpg

I noticed that I have some time during my nights without any plans (i.e. where I don’t meet friends or go to the cinema, etc). So I would really appreciate if you would leave a comment telling me some exciting books to read (content not connected to food) or if you have a recipe for me to try out. Thank you so much for your support!

40 days and 40 nights without Facebook

Sioux Indian Fasting

Starting tomorrow I will be fasting. I have never done it before, some of my friends and family did it and inspired me to join them this year.

I am not part of any religion, so I do not know traditions connected to fasting. We celebrate Easter and Christmas, the general Christian holidays, but more as a part of our traditions, not connected to the religious background. To us it is time for family and friends enjoying life together and celebrating what we have.

I have friends with very diverse cultural backgrounds, which is why I had the chance to join Muslim Ramadan meals, watch Indian friends fasting, and saw other people repeating rituals connected to their believe. I was always a little bit envious of the rich history those people carry with them. They did something they believe brings them closer to God.

In history, people have conducted cleansing rituals in all kind of ways. Back in the days spring was a classical time to do fasting, as it was a time where natural food reserves got scarce in Europe and nature forced people to eat less. Today, we can get whatever we want and seasonal food is foreign to us. The supermarkets offer strawberries right now, shipped in from Israel and Spain, while the actual German season for it starts only in mid-may. On top of that we spend our time watching TV and checking Facebook instead of reading a book or doing something productive.

The 40 days before Easter is the general Christian time to fast. Originally the time before Christmas was meant for fasting as well, but let’s focus on Easter. It goes back to Jesus who went 40 days into the desert and fasted. During time it developed from everybody fasting, to just the monasteries fasting, who also altered the fasting rules quite a bit, by brewing beer and later eating fish and heavy flour meals.

In a spiritual way you are requested to reflect on your current habits and life style. It is a time of physical and psychological cleansing and that is also what makes it so attractive to me.

After returning from India, I had bad stomach problems and somehow nature forced me to fast, as I could eat healthy things without problems, but as soon as I would eat junk, I would feel pain. Slowly my stomach got used to German food again and by now I can eat whatever I want without any problems. But now the side effects of my life style are showing: my skin breaks out, my belly is growing and I do not get enough motion. After returning from a long day at work, I watch my favorite series until I fall asleep and I have Facebook running in the background at all times.

I am not going to do some of these hardcore 7 days fasting cures, where you only drink soup. As it is the first time I am fasting and for 40 days, I have planned to make a more long-term plan.

So here is what I will do:

START
- Eating vegan, i.e. relinquish from meat, fish, milk products, eggs, etc.
- Practicing the guitar
- Walking slower

STOP
- Using Facebook
- Eating sugar and junk food
- Drinking alcohol
- Avoiding conflicts

I would like the 40 days to start living more consciously. This means that I want to be aware of my eating habits and take back more time for doing things I see as an investment to myself. There are many things I want to do better as a person. I have changed quite a bit the last couple of years and not only for the better. Since I have been in Berlin, I noticed that I avoided conflicts with certain people. It was more convenient, just to keep it for myself, as a confrontation would risk a fight and maybe the loss of a friend. I think it is fun to try something new, like eating vegan. It is nothing I can imagine doing forever, but I like the thought of trying it out. I bought a cookbook and a book on fasting, so I have things to return to when it gets too hard. I am mostly concerned about the Facebook part, as I spend a lot of time on it. I heard on the radio that it is a common thing to do for fasting, so I know I wont be the only one. And as for the walking: I hurry everywhere. I cannot walk outside without getting stressed about reaching a bus or being on time. When I walk together with others, I am always somewhere ahead, because I just cannot slow down. I am going to try and slow down a bit the next 40 days.

It is said that people feel lighter when they fast. This feeling of unloading is what drives me to go through the process.

I would be glad if you leave a comment below. Tell me what you think about my plan.

Sharing is caring: Goal Setting

Dear Ana,

Since I started to study, I have learned a lot about goal setting and how it influences the way I live. Especially the experiences from AIESEC showed me how goal setting helps you achieve the things you dream of and to not lose track of your goals.

An example: When I finished high school, I decided to study international business communication in English and French. My studies were not really what I expected them to be, both content and people wise. I had built up this huge idealistic image of university life that I was vastly disappointed when I was confronted with reality. I knew very soon that I was going to switch to another profession and ended up in the English department, which I loved very much. The entire process of switching and deciding was very difficult and somehow painful because I did not really know what I was good at and what I wanted. A year after I switched, I suddenly realized why I had signed up for international business communication: I really loved the German-French TV station ARTE and I had the goal to work for them, I just had pushed it away from me, being too concerned about not being content. Today, I think that I might have tried harder to pursue my first study line, if I hadn’t lost that goal out of my view.

In AIESEC, I learnt fast how to do goal setting and I use some personal methods for myself, when I have to make decisions or want to check my path. And it makes me more conscious about my choices and changing mind.

Currently I have to decide what to do after my internship. I know that I want to take a MA degree starting October and I also know what I want to study, I am just not sure how to use the time until then. This is a good reason to look at my life from a bird perspective and to refresh my goals in order to know what is important for me and which values I have gained in the recent past.

In this video I go through my goals and reflect a bit on them. Funny fact: I did it in pajama pants, as I actually was sick today. Below you find an introduction to why I chose the spaces and how I filled them.



Here is my Banana Goal Setting from today:

PERSONAL:
It is important to know what I want to achieve on a personal level, because my professional decisions depend on it and I get a clear picture what is important to me as a person right now.

PROFESSIONAL:
I want to recapture why I did the things that I did and where I want to go. I also put down what is important for me during this journey.

FLUFFY GOALS:
The above goals can somehow be measured, my fluffy goals are more the mindset of my lifestyle. It is things I want to remember doing or act upon on my way to the other goals.

THE NEXT 6 MONTH:
Here, I put down what opportunities and challenges I see for my goals right now. I list down every opportunity I have, no matter how I think about it and then list the challenges I face. These can be real life challenges like lack of money, or just personal obstacles.

These charts cannot be filled in one night, I just got started tonight. I already saw that I forgot to put down my guitar playing as a personal goal. I do these things very intuitive and don’t use any SMART method or whatsoever. I am more concerned about getting my thoughts on paper and to order them. I can structure them and make them measurable along the way.

So tell me, did you find this post useful? What would you do differently?

A feel-good engine fueled by awesomeness

our tree

Do you know the feeling you get after a day where you really feel, you have achieved something? To me it is like fuel into my good mood engine and it makes me shine inside, it makes me feel alive. And if you have not noticed yet, I am additionally proud when I did something that generally is not expected from women. This just adds some awesomeness to the good feeling.

My mom heats her house with an oven, so once in a while we go to visit her in order to help out preparing the wood: cut it, pile it up, carry it into the house, etc. Early spring we do the biggest wood day of the year, where we actually go into the forest and get wood we have bought from the ranger. As I lived in Denmark until recently, I was hardly part of any big wood events, but this year it was ON! We even had to cut down a tree on our own. It was a ca. 50-year-old beech tree and as one of our closest friends is a (female) ranger, she cut it down for us.

the landing

After overcoming some start difficulties, Jana performed wonders with her chain saw. She knew exactly how and where to cut in order to let the tree fall where she intended it to: in the middle of the path. I was buzzing with anticipation and then the signal came: “Tree falling!” and like in slow motion the tree touched the earth, blowing dust and leaves in the air that would stand still and then join the slow motion on their way back to the ground. The sky was bright, sun was shining through the trees and we had a tree to take away from the path.

We were three women who had to make the tree disappear until dusk. We took off the branches you could not use for fire wood, we divided the tree in pieces, carried the pieces into our van and drove them to a place where we later can cut them into fitting pieces for the oven.

Better get to work!

It was hard physical labor, but it actually made me feel good. Out in the fresh air, working under time pressure, I had a real feeling of hunger. I generally eat irregularly and unhealthy, but here my stomach told me to eat. We had some bread and some typical German sausage, but no knife, so we broke the bread and ate the sausage separately and it was the most delicious meal I had in a very long time. The work grounded me and cleared my head. Suddenly I was one step closer to an important decision I have to make. I have a tendency to over-think stuff and working with my mom and Jana showed me that happiness really only depends on very few factors. To me doing things on my own, putting some sweat into them is a very fulfilling activity.

So, how much did your Saturday contribute to your own happiness?


All rights to the pictures are reserved!

You were riding a rollercoaster with who??

Getty Images RF

Last night, I had the most wonderful dream. I was riding a very strange but awesome rollercoaster with my grandfather (!) and at the right moment, time would slow down, so we could take pictures.
It gave me a really good feeling in my stomach, which persisted all morning. So I thought, I would share it.


P.S.: On my seach for rollercoaster pictures, I found this blog with crazy rollercoaster moments.

May you relax until death do us part!

I promised in my post yesterday that I would tell you about a relaxing exercise, which involves warmth and a cocoon.

It is called liver compress and helps your liver to supply with blood and thus will be able to better detoxify. It is part of the “Buchinger-method”, which entails a fasting ritual and god knows what. My mom heard of it in one of her therapist seminars and was told that it is especially good for people with depressions. In Germany we have a saying: “He had a bug crawling his liver” – which means, the person is in a bad mood. And that does not come out of the blue, the liver somehow is connected to our mood, so if our liver is healthy, we are more happy.  After what I read online, you have to do it at noon, but I always do it in the evenings. Just remember to do it after you have eaten.

I just like the liver compress, because it really helps me to relax and calm down, especially after a long day at work.

So here is what you need:

-       a hot-water bag

-       a linen towel

-       a bigger towel

-       a couch and a blanket (preferably cozy)

Step 1:

Fill the hot-water bag with boiling water and make sure there is no air in the bag, so it can lie flat on your stomach. Let it rest for ten minutes.

Step 2:

Prepare the couch/ bed: Put a blanket flat on the bed and a pillow, so you can lie comfortably on it. Turn on some calm, relaxing music.

Step 3:

After the ten minutes are over, take the linen towel and wet it with warm water. You can also make an extra herb infusion, just google what you need for that. Lie down and put the towel on your stomach (where the liver is, right under the right chest).

That's were the liver is located - and the belly button :-)

Step 4:

Put the hot-water bag on the towel on your stomach. Take the bigger towel and wrap it around your stomach, so the other stuff is pressed against your skin.

Step 5:

Wrap yourself in the blanket like in a cocoon. It is important that you have everything very tight to your body: the hot stuff, your arms and the blanket.

Step 6:

RELAX! Let your day pass in your imagination, think of something good and enjoy 20 minutes of perfect warmth and happiness. Probably you’ll dose off and many times I fell deeply asleep, so you might get into your pajamas for this exercise.

Try it out yourself. It is a nice exercise to connect body and soul. Wow, that was my first health post – are you as excited as I am?

The cruel Murder of Cody!

Review of Cody and Murder at Café Zapata, Berlin, 02.02.2011

Cody

Murder

It is weird for me to write reviews, because I really like to do it, but I am extremely subjective and often write on matters I am not really an expert on. I just discover things for myself and want to share it.

When it comes to music, I have phases, when I go out and find cool stuff all by myself. Most of the time, though, my friends have to stick my nose into new stuff and I will eventually love it. The same goes for this one: my roommate Nicolai told me to come to this cool act, called Murder, an Neo Folk band from Denmark. There also would be a Danish band, “Cody”, as intro act.

Nicolai is a very considerate person, so the night before yesterday, he gave me the latest album of Murder to get into the mood. I went into my cocoon with a hot water bottle, called a liver compress (which has to be explained in another post) and listened to the album. It was just great: me on a wave of wonderful music doing a journey through the past day. It really was what made my day that day and Murder was a big part of it. So then I really looked forward to the concert.

It was at Zapata, in the ancient Tacheles complex, a Berlin icon from the 90’s and today crowded with international students and tourists. It is a quite diverse bunch of people there, because they have really cool and different concerts.

Because I am so lazy, no: so smart, no: so effective (!), I went there right after work, got a new book and a Falafel and sat at the bar for a beer to read a bit, before the whole thing started and my roommate would arrive. The early bird gets lucky sometimes, because I was in before they started selling tickets, so I had saved the 13 € entry fee.

I liked meeting the Danish boys I would enjoy the show with and off it goes with the bands:

Cody:
They are a group of six, with very diverse instruments (2 guitars, drums, cello, violin, and contrabass). Each one of them is a very good musician and together they do magic. I was fascinated by their performance and how good their live sound was. It really filled up my barrel. I have this personal metaphor: there are things that take energy away, like negative stress and there are things that give you energy. It is like a barrel that gets filled and emptied. Due to work and a lack of after work activities, my barrel was quite empty, but it got filled up, when I saw them. So, I used the money I had saved on the entry fee to by their latest LP. 



Murder:
They are quite known in Indie circles. The appearance of the lead singer Jacob Bellens on stage was quite interesting, as he looked like a history teacher who could not find his classroom – in a good way. Anders Mathiasen does guitar and vocals and he reminded me slightly of a young version of my dad, which is weird, but in some way also a compliment. They also have a base player and a drummer. They had this Danish humor, which was entertaining and the quality of their performance was top. A lot of it is carried by Bellens’ great voice. I have to admit, that my heart was sold to Cody, so to me they could not really do better.



All in all, it was a splendid evening and I really enjoyed the entire experience. It gave me a lot of new ideas and hope, which was good, as I was quite negatively loaded that day. I have a feeling that I will finally get what I wanted from a city. I am able to see great cultural events, be it music, exhibitions or whatever. I always missed that in the past few years. The thing is, that it was there in the other cities as well, but I did not make anything out of it. Now, I am taking in as much as I can and it really is uplifting.

Where the Wild Things are

I am too excited to tell you my thoughts that I wont post any information about the content of the movie, but here is the trailer.



I have a new favorite movie. It is called “Where the wild things are” and it is about a boy without any fear who decides to become the king of a group of monsters. It is the first time in my life that I can imagine what is really going on in a boys mind. Plus, the older I get, the more I miss childhood and the wild possibilities that existed just for us.

The movie made me accept silence. I only accept silence, when my mind is so busy reflecting and figuring out that it does not need any entertainment. At times I have to play the radio constantly to distract my mind, but not so last night. “Where the wild things are” opened a new box of imagination to me and I am eternally grateful for it.

The minute the movie started, I felt like I was allowed to peak into the head of my dear friend Letzu. I admire her secretly for her way of seeing the world and somehow I feel like I had the chance to see through her eyes for the lasting one and half hours. Some people are interesting to me because they stand out of the categories I prison my encounters in. Letzu is one of the rare people who opened a new category and until now she has been alone in that box, because I have not met anyone whose world was as wild, colorful and devastating, but beautiful as hers. I feel like “Where the wild things are” took me there and it touched me to my very core.

Also I am currently reading “Power and Love – A Theory and Practice of Social Change” by Adam Kahane. Most of his life the author relied on love to accomplish his goals and saw power as something negative to be avoided. Seeing that brave character of Max telling wild stories to these strangely lovely monsters demonstrates to me how everyone relies on power to make things happen and to effect change. Without power, love has no impact. Power does not necessarily mean to dictate others, but it can be a way to make things happen and create new ways to solve issues. Power without love is cruel and in the end we will all be where we started in childhood: Someone will cry and leave the playground.

To me, this movie is a masterpiece. I will definitely read the book by Maurice Sendak and dream of the beautiful pictures it left in my mind.

And by the way: Until today I secretly wished to only give birth to girls. From today on I would be just as thrilled to have a boy (at some point in a future very far away from now).

Nighmares - a Conclusion

First of all: thank you friends. I got such nice advice after my last post that I want to share my conclusion.

Generally, I got this advice: You have to forgive yourself in order to move on.

My reasoning is connected to my post about the number two’s in this world. I see myself as a strong number two and I will explain one characteristic of a number two here:

There are people who see, or read something and then take a conclusion and act upon it. And then there are people who read the same things, also get the conclusion but cannot really act upon them.

When I was younger and saw some girls with über-possessive and –jealous boyfriends I would think to myself “Why would any girl ever fall for such a douche bag?” and I would be extremely sure that this would never happen to me. The day came, where I was falling for this kind of guy and I spend 8 months discovering that this was not the kind of person I wanted to be with (or actually that I did not want to be that kind of person that situation made me).

I am the kind of person who has to be in a situation to learn from it. It is not enough for me to read it in a book and act upon it. Sometimes the universe will show you why things happen as they do.

I always wanted to be a strong and independent woman who is sure of what is good and bad for her, but life would not be life, if you would not have to go through trials. There are circumstances that weaken a person and there are ways to escape these states of personality, ways to grow out of them. One way to grow as a person is to make mistakes. I am very grateful for many mistakes that I made and you are right, I was just not capable to forgive myself for this one. I would not forgive myself for being quite the opposite of the woman I wanted to be.

All I can say is that I am on a way to become the woman I want to be and this “mistake” makes me understand why some women chose the men that they do. 

One advice I got out from this two year (!) recovery period is that you have to be self-sufficient before you throw yourself into the next relationship. I am getting there.

And, to end this topic, I will show you my favorite break-up recovery cartoon. 

The Villain in my Dreams

Last night, I had a nightmare. I did not have any drapes on my window and lived first floor. I was running around naked in the apartment, not realizing that everyone on the street could see me. Just underlining again: It was a dream! So, the doorbell rings, and my evil ex-boyfriend is in the door jelling at me that everyone on the street can see me naked. He makes me feel really bad about it and then continues to tell me he still loves me and not his new girl friend and that he cannot understand why I would not be with him.

Every time I talk about him, I call him the evil boyfriend and close friends will understand whom I am talking about.

Actually he is not a bad person as such. I would even say that we have a lot in common and even have that soul mate connection. Just that his past and some of his habits where not good for us as a couple, because it affected him a lot as a person. So to me, all his goodness was in his core, but there was a bad wrapping around it. I thought, I could change that and remove the wrapping. But we are not talking about toilet seat debates here; we are talking tough stuff like accusations and lack of faith in me. We are talking constant jealousy and possessiveness.

All this made me smaller and smaller. I started doubting myself and lost a lot of self-esteem I had built up in the past years. The effect was the opposite of what I had intended: I started acting like he did and not the other way around. I did not know how to escape the situation, so I cheated on him which made it all even worse. In the end, I quit. I did not want to stay under his spell and returned to myself.

He tried to cut me out of his life, deleted me on various social networks and would not contact me at all. To him, I am the bad person. Now he has moved on, has moved in with his new girl friend, while I still have nightmares with him acting as the villain.

He is the one person in my past, which I cannot forgive and have good feelings about, because he gave me the hardest time of my life. And for me he is evil, because I am still not over it. I mean, it still haunts me in my dreams and he has moved on. So I am asking, what is wrong with me?